If I Could...

Sometimes I wish I could go back and time so that I could make the right choice and not have to deal with the outcome I have found myself in. Then, I think, no, this is supposed to happen and I will grow from this. Now, don't get me wrong, it takes a while to get to that point. I think everyone has that struggle. It seems like an easy out when the body is weary and the eyes are puffy from tears. Life isn't easy, though. It is supposed to help us become better and stronger and realize our weaknesses. When we are not being humble, God humbles us and helps us chip off some of the bad parts of us to become a little better each day.

Sometimes it feels like a hammer on our heart has shattered everything who we are but we can find peace. Sometimes it is a little thing that seems big because it's the last thing to be given us but we can find peace. Sometimes it seems it won't end and that the future will be shattered because of it but we can find peace.

Although life may not go as we plan, God knows what He wants us to be and how to get us there. That will usually change our plans of how we want our life to turn out.

I know that's how it always is for me.

Sometimes it hurts more than we think we can bear. Then, when we think we can't hold on any longer, God brings peace, if we are willing to go to Him. Christ is the Prince of Peace. He told the storm, "Peace, be still." He tells us to "Be still and know that [He is] God."

I know He is there and will give us peace and rest from our trials and struggles when we look to Him.

Headache Struggles

Picture from: firstmedok.com

I do not share this information for pity but, rather, to let others know that they are not alone. Recently, I have begun to try and see my cluster headaches/migraines as a blessing. 

From the time I began middle school, I began suffering from migraines. At first, we thought it was my heavy backpack and stress that was causing them. Then, the thought was sugar. Now, it may be that they are cluster headaches. There have been multiple nights I have woken up sobbing from pain and frustration in trying to understand why I have this struggle.


As I was reading from The Book of Mormon this morning, I read 2 Nephi 33:3-4. Here, Nephi is talking to the people and saying that he prays for the people and knows God will help them. As I read these words, I felt like maybe my story can help someone else and maybe my tears are not all for nothing.

Recently, my frustration with my headaches has risen and more tears have been shed than have been in awhile. During a few of these episodes, I began to pray out loud expressing my sorrow and confusion. I wanted answers right then and I wanted to feel peace. Well, I still do not have all the answers but, I have felt peace. I may not be able to clean my house but, I have been able to work on homework as I lay in bed with an upset stomach and slight headache. I may not be able to run around fixing all the problems in my life but, I have been humbled by the selfless service of my husband in my times of need. It has made me want to be more selfless when I am well enough to help others. I have been trying to be more positive and the Lord has blessed me to try and see a little more positive. God knows us and our struggles. He will never leave us alone. If we seek His help, He will help us through. As 1 Corinthians 10:13 says,

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." 

Reality Check

It has been awhile since I have been here to write about life. The update: I'm married, in the middle of a practicum semester and realizing the reality of being a homemaker.

Things with my husband couldn't be better. He is so sweet and helps me work through problems and supports me 24/7. School, on the other hand, has been more than I can handle sometimes...

I don't think I have cried so much over the work I have to do since high school calculus. The strange thing is- it's really not that bad. I'm keeping up with my work but barely holding on to sanity because I feel all I do is homework, cook, clean, sleep, and complain. I've realized it's impossible to keep a home clean each day and there is always something else to do.

How can I be this perfect wife if our apartment still has dirty dishes in the sink? 

Because my husband loves me and appreciates what I do get done.

I'm a perfectionist and that can be very hard at times. It's hard to sleep because I have so much I need to accomplish in the morning. I'm always making lists of things I need to do before such and such day. My scripture study has become more of a checklist item than the strength I need it to be.

As I was laying in bed wide awake- again- I realized that I need to stop this. I don't feel like myself because I am always feeling inadequate and that is making me feel depressed. Things that normally wouldn't bug me are triggers to a slight anger. That's not me.

I am a child of God. I go through hard times but those hard times don't define me. They help me become better if I am only willing to learn from them.

So, maybe I didn't get the bathroom clean today and I still have a ton of homework and projects due in the next few weeks but, I can do it and I can be happy as I do it. Now, I may not feel so determined in the morning when I wake up but, it's day by day, step by step, that allows for change. Who knows, maybe I will even get to call my family at some point this week! Wouldn't my mother and father like that. ;)

Blessing in Disguise

Well, since getting engaged, life has been crazy busy and my stress levels have been rising. Although I was stressed, I kept trying to do the little important things like reading my scriptures, praying, going to church, keeping the commandments, etc, and I just wanted to let you all know those things are so important. Yes, life is stressful but, I feel at peace and have received so many little blessings of things just working out that I had no idea could happen. God is aware of our needs and He will help us when we need it. If we turn to Him, He will never leave us alone. Just pray and do His will. He loves you.

Our Story

The Preface:

Like many young women, I grew up assuming I would get married to some Prince Charming during my college years. I was told I would probably marry someone like my dad and that idea grossed me out because I could not imagine marrying someone who was just like my dad. That would be weird. So, any time I liked a guy, he may have some similar attributes but he was never someone I would say was like my dad. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my dad and he is a wonderful man. I just couldn't imagine marrying someone like him. Maybe it was because I wanted to be different than the people around me.  Well, that was the plan. And I made it to byu and so I figured I would find my prince but, as a freshman, I was not ready for a serious relationship. Sure, I dated but I knew the possibility of marrying someone from that year was very slim. Then, sophomore year I still didn't feel ready and so I avoided the dating world. Then, I was privileged to serve a mission for my church for 18 months. That was an amazing time of my life I am so grateful for. When I got home, I was planning on dating a lot and then maybe meet someone after the first semester back. Well, my plans never go my way. I sort of dated someone but, things didn't work out. Then, I had a change of heart and decided that I would figure out what was really important to me in a future relationship. And that is where our story begins...

The Beginning:

A friend of mine from the mission I served asked if I would be up for a blind date. I said sure and I went on a date with Sam. I had so much fun and could not stop talking about it. We continued to go on dates and hanging out and began dating. While we were dating, I realized he was just like my father. I could not believe I had fallen for someone who was like my father. And that's when I realized those things were the things I loved about him most. It also made me realize that he would get along great with my family (which is something very important to me). The way he always tried to help people and do more than was required of him. His ability and desire to work hard. How he can't sit still for very long and his humor. In only a few weeks of dating and knowing him, I had lost my heart to this young man from Alaska who was so similar to my father. How could this be? 

That's when I realized I had misunderstood that phrase from so long ago and was being prideful trying to control my life. Sure, he may be like my father but, he is not my father. They do have their differences. And when I let God control my life, things work out better than I could have imagined. The things I hoped for in a relationship only came as I let go of my pride and tried to do God's will. I can not even being to describe the happiness I feel when I am with, or am thinking about, that wonderful young man I have had the privilege to meet and date. 

A few weeks ago, we began discussing the idea of us getting married and I felt like that was the right decision but, I couldn't just decide our future. I had to wait until he had received his. Then, flash forward a bit, Sam asked if I would be willing to go ring shopping with him. I was so excited and also so nervous because, although I had been doing lots of looking on Pinterest, I had no idea how to shop for a wedding ring. To cut to the chase, because I know you all just want to know the proposal anyway, we found a ring that was perfect. Information was exchanged and we left without the ring. I went to work and, unknown to me, Sneaky Sam called my father to ask permission and then went back and bought the ring. And, a few days later, he picked it up in time for Tuesday night date night. 

The Proposal:

We began the evening going to the site of our first date, the hike to the Y. We reminisced on our relationship as we overlooked Provo. Then, we headed to Utah lake, by way of our second date. (Remember- I didn't know he had bought the ring so I had no idea what his plans were) We made it to a trail and began walking along. We stopped at this opening in the wildlife that looked like the banks of the Mississippi River in Nauvoo, IL. (Where we had first said "I love you") It was beautiful. Sam asked if I remembered what he had said that day and, when I affirmed, he proceeded to say how he could see himself marrying me. He took a step back, said ok as he pulled out a ring box from his pocket and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I, of course, said yes and was so overjoyed and surprised. Then, due to a previous joke, he pulled out a ring pop as well and said it hadn't fit in the ring box. His roommate and his roommate's girlfriend then came out of hiding and proceeded to take pictures. So, that's how it happened. 

And so the Story Continues:

Each day, I fall more in love with that young man and he makes me feel like a queen. He continues to reflect so many wonderful attributes and makes me want to be better. Who knows what the future holds but, I know, together, with God, we can accomplish anything. 

Family-oriented RM with Food

As I look around my apartment and think about what objects really represent me, I had to think a lot about what is really important to me and is part of my culture.

The first object I thought of is a family picture. It is one of the last pictures we took before my brother and I left to serve missions for our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is this picture I have taken with me, wherever I have gone, over the past few years. In times of trouble, my family has always been there and has been a huge influence on who I have become. They are so important to me and I love them dearly. Also, having been the oldest child helped me learn traits that I have applied to my major of elementary education and, I hope, help me become a good mother one day.

The second object that I feel represents who I am is my last missionary  tag on an iPad mini case. I went to Ogden, Utah to help teach people of Hispanic descent. Those 18 months changed my life and helped me mature into the person I have become. I also used the iPad mini case as a missionary and, when I got home, having an this piece of technology helped me connect better with the world around me. I use it to do assignments for school, as well as, connecting with family and friends across the globe. It is important to me to keep the friendships and relationships I have formed over the years.

The final object that I feel represents me is a container of basil. Food is always present at any gatherings with my family. It is a way to connect with people because each culture has their own type of food. Through eating with people and learning to cook their meals, I have learned to understand them better and appreciate their culture. It is important to me to understand people so we can help one another become better through understanding and food is an easy way to connect because it is in important thing to many people.

You never know

Often times we get a thought to do something different then our plans. We may not understand why but figure it's not a bad idea and just go ahead and do it. Little do we realize that those moments can be when we are answering someone else's prayer or find an answer to our own by running into an old friend.

Today I planned to be on campus all day before going to dinner with some friends. I had homework to do and felt set to just sit at the library all afternoon. Well, I finished the homework I had brought and had a decent amount of time left so I decided to head home for a bit. As I was walking back to my apartment, I ran into an old friend and we got to talking about life and lessons learned. As I was talking and he seemed to get answers to questions he had I felt blessed with answers to my own problems in life. If I had not taken that thought of going home to heart, I would not have had that experience. God is in the details of our lives and will help us if we let Him.

Why Smile Through the Snow?

While most people would say, "the weather outside is frightful," I cannot stop smiling as I walk through it. How can this be? Let me share a story with you all...

Two years ago from today, my aunt passed away due to cancer. It was a hard time for me and the rest of our family. I had never felt so alone and questioned everything I had held dear. Just before she passed, she had given me a pair of snow boots that, when she passed, became very important to me.

Now, flash forward to last Sunday. I had been reflecting on the day of my aunt's passing and had the thought I should go to the temple [a house of worship] that day. So, this morning, I woke up early and went just hoping to feel peace. I did and it was wonderful and when I left and saw tons of snow I began to smile. The snowflakes against my ears and face tickled and felt like kisses from Heaven. I had been hoping to wear my snow boots today but, without snow, that was not going to happen. So, when I saw the Snow I became very happy because, in a weird way, it was an answer to prayer.

I know God knows us and our needs. He has made a way for families to be forever and ways to feel peace in a crazy world. I am so grateful for that knowledge that has blessed my life immensely.

A Positive Outlook

Today it began to snow. Usually I prefer to stay indoors when it is cold but, I could not focus while in my apartment. So, I decided to go to the library. As I was walking up to campus to do home homework and study, I had a thought come to mind. Due to some events that have happened recently, I was not in the happiest of moods. I then replayed a moment in my mind of some friends talking about how I was always in a good mood when it was bad weather. That made me laugh and I realized I began to smile again.

How we react to our circumstances has much to do with our attitude. If we focus on the negative, or things we cannot change, we are doomed to remain in a state of sorrow. If we, however, focus on a positive, we can change our views and see the world as a wonderful place.

For example: Last night, someone hit a car which then cracked my bumper. I did not think to get the person's insurance in case there was more damage and, when I made that realization, I felt like an idiot. I also was confused by some different circumstances with friends. When I awoke this morning, none of these things had changed and I had more to do: 3 more midterms to prepare for, take care of my car, and, to top it off, we ran out of toilet paper. That one thought of being positive in bad weather made me realize something I learned my sophomore year of college- when you can't change something, focus on changing what you can- your attitude. I had been walking home in the slush and snow and just because the sound reminded me of "Singing in the Rain," my whole view changed and the walk home became a joy. That's why I am happy through bad weather. I remember that moment and how it changed my whole day and outlook.

So, life may not be going as well as we want. That's normal. Find something you can change or view in a different light and I know it will make everything so much better so that you can view the hardships with a better view to try and find a solution.

With that being said, I better get back to writing my paper that is due tomorrow... Luckily, I have two more hours until class and I am already in the library.

The Window Prison

When you think of windows, you do not typically think of a prison. That was the thought, however, that came to mind as I was sitting at my computer doing homework and watching the sunset begin to change the colors outside and I could not see it clearly due to my window. If I had done my hw earlier, I may have been able to step outside and overcome the window but, due to my own choices, I could not. The same thing happens in life. We build out own walls, or prisons, that keep us from happiness. We need to focus on what really matters and who we really are so we can overcome our trials.

When You Can't Sleep...

So I am laying in bed. It's 12:13 as I begin to type and my brain will not stop thinking. And the thoughts range from all sorts of topics. How do you calm your brain and make it agree with your heart so you can sleep?

So many thoughts.

Is the reason the things I want to work out that aren't because they are never supposed to or because I need to be patient? Are there people who have left my life that I should reach out to or are they meant to be out of my life now?

How do we know?

So many questions and no answers as my brain fights this never-ending battle against itself.

How to conquer it?

I may never know as I continue to toss and turn as I try to let sleep overtake all other senses so that I may have the energy I need in order to combat the struggles that face me tomorrow.

Tomorrow. Another day to come. Another set of challenges and blessings that I do not yet know. To sleep is necessary. Then why, oh brain, do you not let me rest? Please put the emotions on hold so that I may enjoy this night. You have released so much tension already. Any more and I will never rest. I am so tired. Please sleep. I know the smell of dinner still lingers in the apartment air but try to focus on the task at hand. Rest. Recuperate. Sleep. Dream. Imagine. Relax. Good night. 12:22. I am done. I give up and return to tossing and turning. You win mind. Farewell.

True Friends

This past weekend I took a trip with family and had not internet service. This gave me lots of reflecting time. One thing that I thought a lot about was friendship. I haven't lived very long but, I've lived long enough to watch friends come and go. Some have a special place in your heart and then they break it by leaving. Some always stay there even when you may try to leave them. Others have a mutual friendship that never ends. What causes these differences in friendships? Why do some not last and others last a life time? The answer I have come to think of is

change.

from google images

When someone changes, things around them change. I'm not the same person I was when I was in middle school. I am not in the same place. This has led to changes in me and in my friend circle. Even in the past 3 years of my college life friends have changed. I now have many friends in Ogden, UT and other places across the globe. I may pass an old friend on campus who no longer is such a close friend and we may acknowledge the other, we may not. Because I think a lot about the past and reflect on what people think of me, this has led to personal struggles of 'what did I do wrong?' 'why do we not talk?' 'how can I fix this?' but, frankly, it does not mean things have gone bad for either side, but rather, change has occurred. Maybe one day those friendships will come back, maybe not. The important thing is that we keep bettering ourselves and coming closer to Christ. He is who we want to become like and who understands us completely. He will never leave us. Only we can further ourselves from Him. He is the ultimate friend and brother who will never let us down. So, don't give up on Him because He is there to heal your broken heart when you feel it is too late. He is always there.

In the eyes of a people-pleasing perfectionist

Hello again to everyone! I have returned from Ogden and have returned to college life. Before dive into life now I have a few confessions, or realizations, that I have come to about myself that I feel should be shared to maybe help someone out:

I am a...
-People Pleaser
-Perfectionist
-Slight Neat Freak
-Someone who see all my faults and tries to hide them from others

Now what does all this mean? Just like every other person, I have struggles and have to overcome them.

For me, I have come to find there are some benefits to my problems:

They are...
-People are generally happy around me
-I can see things that could potentially upset people
-I enjoy time alone because it is a time when I can find myself
-I enjoy watching people to see patterns
-I am good at learning quickly through watching

It is not easy to accept struggles, or worse, let others see them but, I now realize that all struggles can be overcome. There is a scripture found in The Book of Mormon, in Ether 12:27, which reads, 

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." 

It's a lot to take in but, basically, this scripture talks is saying that if we come unto God, He will show us our weaknesses but, if we will be humble and have faith, He will make them become strengths. I know this to be true. Those weaknesses I listed at the top are not perfect- probably never will be. However, I know that they are become better through the help of God and His son, Jesus Christ. How do I know this? Because I have seen it. The past 18 months of my life were hard but, I was able to enjoy them and see the blessings and change because of the truthfulness of this scripture. Life still is hard. I still have to battle with my own personal struggles every day but, I do know that God lives. I know He does. He loves us. All of us. And He will help us. The mission I served changed my life forever. I can never fully repay the Lord for the wonderful blessing I had to be an instrument in His hands and to wear His name every day for 18 months. A special part of my heart lies with the people of Ogden, Utah and I am so grateful to them, along with the Lord, for the impact made on my heart, and life, forever.