The Struggle

It has been a long time since I have written anything on here and there are several reasons for that which I do not have the time to get into.

Today I am feeling extremely blessed as the Lord has continually helped me finally begin to understand my largest struggle in life....headaches.

Many who are reading this have probably seen previous posts where I talk about this struggle. Today, although I still suffer from headaches and migraines with no for sure way to cure them, I feel at peace, which is a first for many years.

Last Thursday, I was sitting in one of my religion classes at BYU and we were discussing the story of the woman with an issue of blood (Matthew 9:20-22). As we studied this account, I was drawn to the detail that she had had this problem for 12 years. I began to count in my head and realized, this fall, I will have suffered with headaches for 12 years as well. I began to feel a connection to this woman and her struggle and how alone she must have felt when she would think she was healed and would not be, when she would hear a doctor say that they had the answer and her spirits would lift and then she would feel the crushing disappointment when it did not work. The struggle of trying to explain this problem was not her fault and how it kept her from doing some things within her life but did not feel like anyone could understand.

As we talked about her joy at being healed through her faith, I felt as though something was telling me that God is aware of me and, at some point, I will be healed. It was the first touch of hope I have had in a few months.

Yesterday was Tuesday and I attended the usual BYU devotional. The speaker talked about believing through trials and not letting our doubts overcome the things we know. Once again, I felt like the spirit was talking to me and letting me know that all will be ok. Although I have not found a cure and I may not find one for a long time, the Lord will take care of me and help me do the things I need to.

Today, I felt like I should read a blog post that someone had liked on facebook. At first, I did not think I would relate in anyway to this mother who was sure she would be losing her two-year-old to cancer. Then, she began to talk about how prophets she had grown up reading about had had to go through trying times in order to align their own will to God's.

I know that I was given this trial for a reason and that God is aware of me. I know that we can find peace through Christ and that He can heal us. Our Heavenly Father has a plan and knows when the timing is perfect to teach us about what we are supposed to be. I know that I will be healed one day and that I can still live a good life although I struggle with migraines and headaches on a regular basis. I know if you are going through something that is difficult, He will help you and give you peace when you think there is none left. He loves His children more than we can ever know in this life.

If I Could...

Sometimes I wish I could go back and time so that I could make the right choice and not have to deal with the outcome I have found myself in. Then, I think, no, this is supposed to happen and I will grow from this. Now, don't get me wrong, it takes a while to get to that point. I think everyone has that struggle. It seems like an easy out when the body is weary and the eyes are puffy from tears. Life isn't easy, though. It is supposed to help us become better and stronger and realize our weaknesses. When we are not being humble, God humbles us and helps us chip off some of the bad parts of us to become a little better each day.

Sometimes it feels like a hammer on our heart has shattered everything who we are but we can find peace. Sometimes it is a little thing that seems big because it's the last thing to be given us but we can find peace. Sometimes it seems it won't end and that the future will be shattered because of it but we can find peace.

Although life may not go as we plan, God knows what He wants us to be and how to get us there. That will usually change our plans of how we want our life to turn out.

I know that's how it always is for me.

Sometimes it hurts more than we think we can bear. Then, when we think we can't hold on any longer, God brings peace, if we are willing to go to Him. Christ is the Prince of Peace. He told the storm, "Peace, be still." He tells us to "Be still and know that [He is] God."

I know He is there and will give us peace and rest from our trials and struggles when we look to Him.

Headache Struggles

Picture from: firstmedok.com

I do not share this information for pity but, rather, to let others know that they are not alone. Recently, I have begun to try and see my cluster headaches/migraines as a blessing. 

From the time I began middle school, I began suffering from migraines. At first, we thought it was my heavy backpack and stress that was causing them. Then, the thought was sugar. Now, it may be that they are cluster headaches. There have been multiple nights I have woken up sobbing from pain and frustration in trying to understand why I have this struggle.


As I was reading from The Book of Mormon this morning, I read 2 Nephi 33:3-4. Here, Nephi is talking to the people and saying that he prays for the people and knows God will help them. As I read these words, I felt like maybe my story can help someone else and maybe my tears are not all for nothing.

Recently, my frustration with my headaches has risen and more tears have been shed than have been in awhile. During a few of these episodes, I began to pray out loud expressing my sorrow and confusion. I wanted answers right then and I wanted to feel peace. Well, I still do not have all the answers but, I have felt peace. I may not be able to clean my house but, I have been able to work on homework as I lay in bed with an upset stomach and slight headache. I may not be able to run around fixing all the problems in my life but, I have been humbled by the selfless service of my husband in my times of need. It has made me want to be more selfless when I am well enough to help others. I have been trying to be more positive and the Lord has blessed me to try and see a little more positive. God knows us and our struggles. He will never leave us alone. If we seek His help, He will help us through. As 1 Corinthians 10:13 says,

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." 

Reality Check

It has been awhile since I have been here to write about life. The update: I'm married, in the middle of a practicum semester and realizing the reality of being a homemaker.

Things with my husband couldn't be better. He is so sweet and helps me work through problems and supports me 24/7. School, on the other hand, has been more than I can handle sometimes...

I don't think I have cried so much over the work I have to do since high school calculus. The strange thing is- it's really not that bad. I'm keeping up with my work but barely holding on to sanity because I feel all I do is homework, cook, clean, sleep, and complain. I've realized it's impossible to keep a home clean each day and there is always something else to do.

How can I be this perfect wife if our apartment still has dirty dishes in the sink? 

Because my husband loves me and appreciates what I do get done.

I'm a perfectionist and that can be very hard at times. It's hard to sleep because I have so much I need to accomplish in the morning. I'm always making lists of things I need to do before such and such day. My scripture study has become more of a checklist item than the strength I need it to be.

As I was laying in bed wide awake- again- I realized that I need to stop this. I don't feel like myself because I am always feeling inadequate and that is making me feel depressed. Things that normally wouldn't bug me are triggers to a slight anger. That's not me.

I am a child of God. I go through hard times but those hard times don't define me. They help me become better if I am only willing to learn from them.

So, maybe I didn't get the bathroom clean today and I still have a ton of homework and projects due in the next few weeks but, I can do it and I can be happy as I do it. Now, I may not feel so determined in the morning when I wake up but, it's day by day, step by step, that allows for change. Who knows, maybe I will even get to call my family at some point this week! Wouldn't my mother and father like that. ;)

Blessing in Disguise

Well, since getting engaged, life has been crazy busy and my stress levels have been rising. Although I was stressed, I kept trying to do the little important things like reading my scriptures, praying, going to church, keeping the commandments, etc, and I just wanted to let you all know those things are so important. Yes, life is stressful but, I feel at peace and have received so many little blessings of things just working out that I had no idea could happen. God is aware of our needs and He will help us when we need it. If we turn to Him, He will never leave us alone. Just pray and do His will. He loves you.

Our Story

The Preface:

Like many young women, I grew up assuming I would get married to some Prince Charming during my college years. I was told I would probably marry someone like my dad and that idea grossed me out because I could not imagine marrying someone who was just like my dad. That would be weird. So, any time I liked a guy, he may have some similar attributes but he was never someone I would say was like my dad. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my dad and he is a wonderful man. I just couldn't imagine marrying someone like him. Maybe it was because I wanted to be different than the people around me.  Well, that was the plan. And I made it to byu and so I figured I would find my prince but, as a freshman, I was not ready for a serious relationship. Sure, I dated but I knew the possibility of marrying someone from that year was very slim. Then, sophomore year I still didn't feel ready and so I avoided the dating world. Then, I was privileged to serve a mission for my church for 18 months. That was an amazing time of my life I am so grateful for. When I got home, I was planning on dating a lot and then maybe meet someone after the first semester back. Well, my plans never go my way. I sort of dated someone but, things didn't work out. Then, I had a change of heart and decided that I would figure out what was really important to me in a future relationship. And that is where our story begins...

The Beginning:

A friend of mine from the mission I served asked if I would be up for a blind date. I said sure and I went on a date with Sam. I had so much fun and could not stop talking about it. We continued to go on dates and hanging out and began dating. While we were dating, I realized he was just like my father. I could not believe I had fallen for someone who was like my father. And that's when I realized those things were the things I loved about him most. It also made me realize that he would get along great with my family (which is something very important to me). The way he always tried to help people and do more than was required of him. His ability and desire to work hard. How he can't sit still for very long and his humor. In only a few weeks of dating and knowing him, I had lost my heart to this young man from Alaska who was so similar to my father. How could this be? 

That's when I realized I had misunderstood that phrase from so long ago and was being prideful trying to control my life. Sure, he may be like my father but, he is not my father. They do have their differences. And when I let God control my life, things work out better than I could have imagined. The things I hoped for in a relationship only came as I let go of my pride and tried to do God's will. I can not even being to describe the happiness I feel when I am with, or am thinking about, that wonderful young man I have had the privilege to meet and date. 

A few weeks ago, we began discussing the idea of us getting married and I felt like that was the right decision but, I couldn't just decide our future. I had to wait until he had received his. Then, flash forward a bit, Sam asked if I would be willing to go ring shopping with him. I was so excited and also so nervous because, although I had been doing lots of looking on Pinterest, I had no idea how to shop for a wedding ring. To cut to the chase, because I know you all just want to know the proposal anyway, we found a ring that was perfect. Information was exchanged and we left without the ring. I went to work and, unknown to me, Sneaky Sam called my father to ask permission and then went back and bought the ring. And, a few days later, he picked it up in time for Tuesday night date night. 

The Proposal:

We began the evening going to the site of our first date, the hike to the Y. We reminisced on our relationship as we overlooked Provo. Then, we headed to Utah lake, by way of our second date. (Remember- I didn't know he had bought the ring so I had no idea what his plans were) We made it to a trail and began walking along. We stopped at this opening in the wildlife that looked like the banks of the Mississippi River in Nauvoo, IL. (Where we had first said "I love you") It was beautiful. Sam asked if I remembered what he had said that day and, when I affirmed, he proceeded to say how he could see himself marrying me. He took a step back, said ok as he pulled out a ring box from his pocket and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I, of course, said yes and was so overjoyed and surprised. Then, due to a previous joke, he pulled out a ring pop as well and said it hadn't fit in the ring box. His roommate and his roommate's girlfriend then came out of hiding and proceeded to take pictures. So, that's how it happened. 

And so the Story Continues:

Each day, I fall more in love with that young man and he makes me feel like a queen. He continues to reflect so many wonderful attributes and makes me want to be better. Who knows what the future holds but, I know, together, with God, we can accomplish anything.